she gave me the thing i never thought she'd give me
she simply handed it to me like it was just another book but i could tell she was shaking inside i could tell she was terrified
but wouldn't you be too, if you had just given over your privet thoughts that you never planed on letting anyone see?
i had no idea that she wrote this much last year
i had no idea how much pain she was going through
i thought i understood it or at least realized it, but i know now that i hadn't even begun to grasp it
and it's all so confusing.
entries run together like wild horses
and the way she wrote all cursive and
laced
with
pain
her words took hold of my heart and emotions and dragged them around like i imagine hers to have been at that time
my stomach, in the state of nauseousness that can only be described as pure and utter sadness,
she put her complete trust in me.
and as i read it all i can't help but be disgusted with myself because i left her at her most venerable time because i thought thats what she wanted, but what she needed more than anything was for me to stay there and force her to talk to me, to force her to let me help her, but i was so engrossed in heartbreak that i didn't realize how suicidal she was
and now i am disgusted in myself
because i could have helped her.

attitude: sick
melody: led zepplin

i should be doing my two page english report right now, but i procrastinated and i'm too tired to write it all up so i'm planing on using an old report i wrote in 7th grade if i can fucking find it. i know i have at least one hard copy of it and i was pretty sure i had the file on my computer but i can't find it. my dads on the family computer doing something important and he said that i was my problem and that this is the reason i shouldn't be storing things on the family computer. whatever, i just have to wait till he's done. i'm really quite exhausted, not physically but mentally. i don't know why. i guess i'm just drained. mariko came over today and we finished my last 6 cigarettes. i promised dove i'd cut back on smoking [cause it's gotten really bad lately] and so now, i can't buy any cigarette packs for myself and i can only have one a day. it's gunna be so hard cause i've was smoking 4 a day minimum since the week before my birthday. ugh, fuck this, i'm going to sleep now. if i can't find it in the morning i'll just type up my original idea during 2nd period.

so i'm taking that long but short trek back to my childhood. we're just about to leave. i don't really want to go. i'd rather stay at doves all weekend and be a fatty. hey, i coulda got laid this weekend but nooooooooo, i have to spend my entire 4 days off in hot un-moist tourist country. we're going to see danielle and the cookes, though, which should be fun. they just got a new house and danielle has her own bedroom now. but damn, we're leaving now. 6 hours or techno and annoying brothers. fun fun fun.
pray for me.

this place: roomy room room
attitude: amused
melody: dove brushing her teeth

so i'm at julies and her space bar doesn't work so i have to keep pasting the space.
vera randomly put her pants inside out and now she's scratching my head.
she says i'm like a dog.
it's really hard to concentrate when shes doing it.
me, dove, vera, and brittny are at julies for the super bowl.
and now dove is falling asleep and refusing to get up on the bed.
i was going to write something worth reading but i forgot it.

was horrible. so fucking horrible. and then my mom comes to pick me up and tells me that i have to sit in a fucking car for 50 minutes, to wait for my brothers then go buy some balloons, and there was no way in hell i was going to do that and we got in a fight. so now i'm home and my moms pissed at me and it's hot as fuck and there's these worker guys in the bathroom[which is right next to my room] and they're pounding on the wall because they're replacing the tiles and shit and i'm just so fucking done with all this. i just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. i need a fucking cigarette.

attitude: sick

she called me short.

attitude: pouty
melody: muse

so i'm here in las vegas and i'm at danielle's house. well, not danielle's house, her grandparents. but still, this house is as ever present in my childhood memories as my own grandparents house. we should be coming home tonight, but theres a possibility we won't. i kinda don't want to leave. i find myself quite contempt when i'm in vegas, and especially here.

i remember when;

i was five or six and i went to danielle's old house before christmas and we were up on top of the bunkbed[that she still has] and she kicked two of my teeth out.

the boy who lived behind me[who i guess i told i was going to marry him] through a rock at me and i moved out of the way but fell in an ant hole and was covered in hundreds of red ants.

me and danielle would fall asleep on the stomach of her 200 pound akita Max in her kitchen.

my parents, cheri and kenny, and bill and jenn would have X-Files parties and me and danielle would sneak into the hallway to watch it without them knowing about it.


i remember alot more, but i won't bore anyone with the details of it all.
my left hand is totally fucked right now. last night danielle through my ipod nano at my stomach but my hand was in the way and now there's this small gashright on top of one of my major veins and at random moments my hand will freeze up or spazz out and basically my hands just fucked.

i kinda should get back to getting fucked by kyle and gabby at Super Smash Bro.'s

attitude: content
melody: yeah yeah yeahs

fuck, it's been along time since i really updated this.
basically, uhhhh........
like i said, dec. 10th came and went.
kat came over, then dove and we hung out. we went to julie's for dinner.
all in all, it was a fun day.
then, the 11th through the 13th i didn't go to school cause i was sick as fuck. i could hardly swallow and i had a fever and shit.
i went to school thursday and friday which kinda sucked. i rezlize that i really don't like school at all.
friday during 6th period i started loosing my voice and when i got home it was basically gone.
i spent the first night of break cleaning my room and not saying a word to anyone for 13 hours.
i didn't really do anything until tuesday when i went to a party at my dads work and then went to jacob and smeagles house and i FINALLY saw kat.
then there was julies party and hannah and hanna we're uber horny and tried to fuck everyone at the party.
kat made me the cutest thing for christmas.
my present sucks compaired the that.
thursday came and i was suposta go bowling with some people but my parents became duches for no reason and wouldn't let me go.
i went to kasey's friday, and i'll do another post for that night.
so now it's sunday and i'm sitting here instaling WOW on my computer because i got to open a christmas present early. i really hope i'm able to see kat before i go. she's in LA at her grandparents. i don't know if i'll be able to go untill next saterday to be able to see her. i can't-

and thats when my computer spazzed out and fucking restarted when i was on the 5TH disk for installing WOW and i had to start all over again.

hah, so i'm in kaseys room right now and she just got done kicking my ass at mortal combat.
no, not kicking my ass, totally like, raping me.
i'm completely jealous of kasey.
like her tastes in....everything.
and her room.....
i can't even explain it, you'd just have to see it.
i mean fuck, one of her tables is made out of a stack or records and a round peice of glass.
i should take a picture of it.
YES ERYN JUST CALLED AND SHES PICKING US UP IN A FEW MINUTES
fuck, i'm happy

attitude: bouncy
melody: yeah yeah yeahs

bleh.
i'm sick.
i feel like my throats been cauterized by a three year old.
my mom says i have to go to school tomorrow, but fuck that.
i can hardly swallow.
it's so weird, being home all day.
fuck, WOW takes forever to download.
i have 5 days left in my 10 day free trial thingy.
only....five...days......
so short.
you know when you have a fever and it feels like you skins on fire and you don't want anything touching it?
yeah, i've felt like that all day.
i seriously just want to rip off all my clothes right now.
i feel like shit.
i'll finish this later.

attitude: shitty
melody: dexter